nickgraves

Every now and then DA just really gets on my nerves...

I don't use the forums(especially the political ones) because I know it's full of weenies that run their mouth more than they listen, trying desperately to look cool. The place makes me sad...every contact I have had with it has left me feeling really low about the human race as a whole and moreover has filled me with dread when it comes to speaking to anyone who isn't American.

I hate that.

I like foreigners. I like interacting with people who have different cultures and viewpoints than my own. I respect our differences, I enjoy our differences. However, I am finding more and more that it's often a one way street, and that very much disappoints me. There is a thread on the message board right now where someone is saying America sucks, that anyone who believes in the war is stupid and wrong. I say how arrogant.

Yeah that's right...how Arrogant, to think that you know beyond all uncertainty that your way of thinking is correct and absolute. I have beliefs, and they may differ from yours, but I know I am only human and being so, I have no way to know for sure if I am right or misguided. I have faith in my beliefs, I have conviction in my decisions, but I base those decisions and beliefs off the facts as they are presented to me. I do research, I listen to other peoples opinions, I spend hours upon hours each day thinking and rethinking my beliefs and checking them against whatever current reliable(as much as anything can be) sources I come across.

I am always looking to be shown the greater truth of any situation.

So, I may be wrong...but that does not make me stupid. If you prove to me that you have put forth even half as much effort to reach your opinions as I have, and present them to me in a respectful manner, not only will I thank you, but I will in fact give your words great consideration.

I've changed my mind many times over the years.

Once I was prochoice.

Once I was republican.

Once I was for the death penalty.

And, off and on I have been against this war.

This thing we've gotten ourselves into has to be the hardest blow to my worldview that I have ever encountered.  I agree with the liberation. I understand the casualties on both sides will be great. I accept that there will be people that don't feel we are right. But, I worry at the initial motives of our invasion. I worry that we will pull out before we've done the best job we can do and leave thousands of good people to pay the price for allying with us in rebellion. I worry that little ones will be needlessly wounded and tossed aside because of faulty military action that is either over-zealous or too halfhearted.

I do have many many reservations, and I thank the powers that be nightly that the big decisions here are not my own. How can anyone know today that the actions we take tomorrow, or have taken already, in this war are correct or otherwise? Would you risk your own life in a bet that you know the absolute truth of what's going on? Do you not think that there are things, evidences that support our actions as a country that may have yet to be brought to light?

I don't know, and I don't care who you are...you don't know either. Maybe we'll all know in twenty years...maybe we won't. Knowing won't change the pain we're all experiencing today because of our uncertainties and man's inability to communicate with respect to those who are different than them.

You want to blame something for the war in Iraq? Blame rudeness. Blame the hatful nature of man as a whole to say the hurtful thing rather than the rational thing in a conflict. Blame it on our overall inability to respect the views of others. Whatever you trace this conflict down to...it all begins with a show of rudeness.

I like the world, but this rude war is making its people intolerable to me.

Here I am nickgraves.deviantart.com/
Gothic Expressions gothicexpressions.com/

I don't update enough anymore. I know that, I feel bad about it, and I've been chastised for it by a bunch more people than ever reply to my posts. I've gone into a bit of a cocoon lately; sleeping a lot, writing and doodling when I am not sleeping. I generally talk to my boys, my cat and intentionally leave my phone off the charger so no one can sneak a call in to me. I don't know why exactly it is, but I have these terrible spells of withdraw from the world. I don't remember if I was ever that way in highschool, but I know since getting out on my own I have developed a tendency to hide from people.

No real valid reason why...just an irrational need to be out of contact.

I think a lot of it probably comes from when I first moved out and had to deal with a lot of animosity from people because I was homeless. People tend to look on you as if any moment you are going to start asking for handouts and favors and suck the life right out of them simply because you are living out of a car. Then once I got a place it was one hassle after another, eviction notices like clockwork every month, insane land lords, bill collectors and a whole host of people popping up on my door step with nothing but ill intent in mind.

I attract trouble types. Needy people, desperate people, people that will stab you in the back if it will get them ten bucks for a Big Mac and fry. I wish I was exaggerating. Once I got settled in a house (I couldn't really afford), news got around quick that I never turned anyone out. Honestly, how could I after not having a home of my own for so long?  I've woken up before and realized out of the six people laid out in my floor, and on my couch, five of them were complete strangers. I've had people walk in, camp out and just not leave, who's names I to this day couldn't tell ya.

Was barely able to feed myself, kept a running habit of being exactly 29 days late on the electric (just close enough to keep it on) and somehow in spite of that managed to get a reputation for taking in strays, handing out food, giving people rides to job interviews and generally being a big ol door mat. My phone rang constantly (when I could afford to have one) with people demanding I pay this now or suffer ultimate financial doom (too late) and people wanting me to come do this or that or the other for them.

My first winter out on my own Freezing and Starvation were competing for which was going to kill me first...and then I got chickenpox (at 17!) and the flu. I didn't have a phone to ring, didn't have heat, barely had a roof, and not one visitor in almost two months. I get my shit basically together on my own, got a job at the waffle house (which came with free meals coming on and going off the clock) and suddenly my door, my phone, my car, is seeing more traffic than my sister in law's bed.

So, that's probably where I really started withdrawing. I still don't turn down people that need a place to stay (unless I think they may be a danger to the boys) but I do make it very difficult to find me,  keep my number unlisted, and I screen my calls. The only way I can be reached is through the internet, and even though I changed my name completely, a lot still manage to find me. I've also picked up new people to harass me, with each day I get a new email to add to my stack of "hate me/ date me / give me something free" people.

I don't mean to lump everyone in when I disappear. There are a lot of people I really enjoy talking with, and would like to talk to more, but usually my time with them is split between actually hanging out with them, and filtering out the morons I can't shake. So, I get sick, I get stressed, and I get gone. Unfortunately, rarely to think of telling the few people I actually miss being around what the deal is. Heh...I'm a flake.

But anyways, that was over drawn to a ridiculous degree...I have a few updates.
One is a story I posted on here before but it's had a wee bit of editing and is now 5 parts in. It's long, let me warn you 35,169 words and that's only to the first lil segment of part 5. I really would appreciate any feedback, though things I am interested in the MOST are:

Dialog that is hard to say or would just read better if I said "this" instead of "this".
Passages that are bland.
Passages that are too long, twisted or just lose you.
Character descriptions...Adequate? Over Done?
Any part(character) you particularly liked?
Any part(character) you particular hated?
Do you have any idea where I am going with this story? (I wrote a screenplay in journalism once and my teacher told me it was "on the nose" which...perplexed the hell out of me until I figured out it was just a nice way of saying predictable...wench. But yeah, I worry that my plot lines are overly see through)

Now this bit is IMPORTANT. Only a very small select few people are going to see this finished due to copyright issues and the like. So, if you are really interested and would like to get the full story as it's written, and help me in a Beta Reader capacity, please comment, please give me useful feedback AND please tell me you want to be on the reading list for it.

Alison if you are still with me thanks a bunch in advance; you can contact me in email about it if you'd prefer that to posting.

This is a Romancey/paranormal story using my Carnal Company
characters. It IS NC17 and some of the characters have very foul mouths so,
please be warned and read no further if that sort of thing bothers you.
Story here:
gothicexpressions.com/nick/BBG…

Also, am posting a doodle. I have NO defined style at all
do I? I keep flip flopping all over the place...bet that's not a good thing.

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Here I am nickgraves.deviantart.com/
Gothic Expressions gothicexpressions.com/

Woke up this morning to find a headless rat lying in the floor on the way to my study. Considering Bastian was in bed with me all night and Sharess runs from anything she finds icky, the only one it could have been was Ms. Widget who was wearing a particularly winning smirk, for a cat, when I saw her lounging in my chair. There was also a nasty mess of cat upchuck not 4 feet away, so I can sorta imagine Sharess just watching Widget do the kill and then puking in disgust when it's head popped off.

In other news, I have new meds, lovely things that make breathing so much easier. I've been cleaning house a bit and even ventured out to see a couple of movies since I felt so spiffy. We saw Harry Potter 3, which I loved and David hated. There were a few minor issues I had with the movie, but all inconsequential in comparison to Sirius Black, played by my long time crush, Gary Oldman. Who doesn't Love Gary Oldman? You would have to be pretty dern shallow, blind and possibly even mentally bereft not to adore the man. He did a fantastic Job, as did the lil twink playing Draco. I know many people complained about how Draco was portrayed in this movie, I found it spot on and totally amusing.

I also saw the Chronicles of Riddick...god I love Vin Diesel. They have yet to make a man quite so perfect as he(Michael Chiklis of The Shield comes close...sensing a bald guy fetish anyone?). The movie was excellent, the story was engaging, the ending made me tear up, and Vin did his second portrayal of Riddick justice. There were a few things I think I would have done differently...for example it seemed to me that they forced in way too much...I think it would have worked better as a trilogy, and the first bit should have focused JUST on getting Jack back.

OH! I finally saw Moonchild with Gackt and Hyde...I soooo loved this movie. One of the best vampire movies I have seen in a long time, made all the better by Gackt who acted surprisingly well. It sorta felt like Anne Rice done Japanese style. I HAVE to own this movie, it was just too good not to.

Watched the secretary the other day too, for probably the millionth time. I adore that film, I love James Spader, always have. First saw him in Jack's Back where he was playing himself and his twin in this murder mystery type deal. I've been addicted to him ever since...even actually considering watching the practice JUST because he's in it. Anyway, if you have not seen this movie, and light bondage and master servant play doesn't make you squirm in a bad way, you should see it. This has to be one of the most romantic movies of all time...which, if you see it and don't instantly agree with me on that, you will likely think I've lost my mind.

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Alison offered to be a proofreader for a story I am hoping to submit to Tor soon. I haven't sent her anything yet because I've been lazy and because I know there are a lot of dumb mistakes in it I could fix myself if I would just spend a couple hours on it... This thing is so long...I haven't really done it in chapters so much as parts which are a good deal longer than most chapters  (in this genre) and change scene more frequently. This is what happens when you write in scenes and then try to link those scenes according to relevance...I certainly hope they don't find it tedious. So far, unedited but complete, I have the first 3 parts, finishing up the fourth tonight(I hope) and the grand total word count for those three parts is...25,228.

It's exhausting. When I finish with this, I think I am going to write a nice little play, something relaxing, and try to push it on David's player's guild at his school. I need to join that group...I used to be a full fledged thespian, backstage work, writing, makeup...even acted a little(A lot if Rocky Horror counts). Since I have been ill I've sorta crawled into my cave and refuse to come out. I think if I don't get this disability soon or...even if I do, I'm going to make an effort to try to get involved in the theater again. Never acting, I can't stand to have people staring at me...which is odd when you think about how bad I am for drawing attention to myself in public. If I come in a room...you know it, but put me on stage and I become vile.

Every time I think of getting on stage I think of that one instance where I was forced to in front of over a hundred or maybe even more people...and I was playing opposite this snide little perfect actress who actually had the nerve to look down on me because I refused to act without being threatened or bribed (I was going to write and direct you see, I was very pompous). We were in a scene that I was placed in because I was considered the reject of the group...and my character didn't have to be likable, which was good because as far as these twerps were concerned I wouldn't have to act to pull it off. She and I were supposed to argue, fight a little...and then I was supposed to rip off her towel yell some ridiculous line that no body could make work and march off. I did it, but with my own sort of flare that included using that towel as a weapon to snap at her hide like a whip...she yelped so loud and nearly fell off the stage...but I got my lines out and believe it or not people were impressed at how well I could "Act" thoroughly pissed off. I of course informed them...I was not that good an actor.

Bleh...digressions into nostalgia are overly time consuming, I'm off.

_____________________________________________

Interesting line said today in the Graves house.

Morgan fell off the couch and hit his head on the floor...He was whining about it and trying to get up when Damien jumped at him and dramatically asked. "Quick, can you remember anything?"

Here I am nickgraves.deviantart.com/
Gothic Expressions gothicexpressions.com/

Well, this was almost my last lil found art display. I got a note this morning that told me my account subscription would be gone in less than a week and you can only do this nifty thumbnail thing if you have a paid account. BUT I managed to weasel a lil money out of David and now I have until July...three more months.

So anyway, I'm kinda on a comic booky sorta kick right now, so most the art I have browsed has been of that vein. Most of what is shown below is either anime or western comic style. I also stuck to only sharing thumbs of people who had very few page views(less than 500) in hopes that maybe this will get them a few more real good ones and maybe that will encourage them to post more and really become part of the community.




Amazing work here. It all looks so smooth an effortless too. He has hardly any pageviews and to me that's just a crime...go check this guy out.

:thumb6064909::thumb3554619::thumb3554602:





Awesome work and very interesting style.





Here I am nickgraves.deviantart.com/
Gothic Expressions gothicexpressions.com/